My body has been craving silence. Not quiet. Silence.
The wave of aimlessly distracting myself with TV and social media has crashed into seeking comfort in darkness and silence. Lately, it’s felt worse to scroll into the next visual I’m only half paying attention to than to just sit cross legged listening to what my breath sounds and feels like that day.
And I hate clichés
New year's resolutions, I’ve stayed away from for a few years because it’s only taken me from a very high high to a self-blaming low.
But, I did start the year doing what most people mark on their resolutions list. Starting the year with meditating through an app that was offering free mediations all month. For some reason, now is when meditation has stuck in a way that has become the foundation of my routine that I desperately need.
It’s so cliché to go through a rough year, followed by the start of intentional deep healing which usually involves more focus on spirituality or feeling more “enlightened”.
And I hate clichés.
I hate them because it feels cringey to have epiphanies for things that seem so obvious, for the things that people repeat to us that make us roll our eyes but we know deep down are true.
Sometimes it’s even cringey to step into the things that make you feel giddy and hopeful about life just like meditation is so good at helping us make us feel.
“Compassion is about doing what you need, not what you want.”
Much of January has been actively avoiding doing the things I know make me feel good. A consistent skin and dental care routine, getting fresh air, working out, and getting my day started early.
I knew it was bad when I would encourage myself to stay in bed longer when I knew I’d just feel groggy and when for the first time in 2 and a half years of pole dancing I left a virtual class early because my heart wasn’t in it.
These instances and a yoga teacher’s words on compassion made me think about how the things that feel good can a lot of the times suck to get to.
“Compassion is about doing what you need, not what you want.”
HOLY SHIT that blew my mind. It sounded so obvious when it sunk in, but it has stuck with me.
Just because the process to get to something that ultimately will feel great feels shitty or not worth it, doesn’t mean it’s wrong.
We can’t put a timestamp on everything, but for relatable frustrations like having the motivation to work out, it took me 3 months to get through the “fuck this, I’d rather die”, into the euphoric moment where stopping felt worse than continuing.
The rush of dopamine— the joy that comes from anticipating the good coming our way— is what makes life more enjoyable, if not manageable. Sometimes, it takes a minute for that dopamine to hit (and a lot of hope).
One of my intentions for the year is to treat life more like an experiment. So that I figure out things like:
how long does it take me for my discipline to kick in to give me more intense levels of frustration, apathy, and pleasure
in this season what if I made my body and creative brain more active at night rather than in the morning
what if I went to this random event? Would I have something else to add to my list of things I love or hate?
lying to myself by listing all the things I wish I was doing more of as if I’m actually doing it, to trick my brain to do said things
Treating life like an experiment means I’m giving myself permission to fail while not taking it so much to heart. It means getting excited for the prospect of something working.
Being a little delulu is a stepping stone towards feeling the rush of happiness and peace. It’s in the in-between silent moments where we can let euphoric energy linger for a little longer.
SENSORY SAFETY
The song(s)/artist I’ve replayed the past week to calm me down
“Nasa” by Rvdical the Kid and Amaarae has been on repeat
The media I watched the past week to calm me down
Listening to different audio from the Open meditation app
The activity I did the past week to calm me down
Slowly putting on body butter and a face oil after my nightly showers while I have warm light emanating off my lamp in my cozy room
This title is something I think about a lot, I love how you phrased it here!
I feel in a similar place these days and I’ve been thinking of the quote “chop wood, carry water” to summarise the importance of returning to those necessities that may not always feel good in the moment.
The change-healing-realisations really do come in waves though! 🙈
And on the clichés—I think this is why the reminders are necessary/exist, it’s easy to forget. I love that writing is a way to leave those breadcrumbs for yourself & possibly others ✨
'Being a little delulu is a stepping stone towards feeling the rush of happiness and peace. '
Haha totally agree, we think very alike, I believe. Hang in there!