Why am I trying to talk to ghosts?… | Post #13

I haven’t been able to shake the feeling of wanting a spirit to visit me. It’s probably not wise to glorify these kinds of encounters, especially since I’ve heard stories from friends that sound more scary than a comforting ancestor visiting. So why am I trying to summon that potential scary movie experience?  

Wanting to connect with the supernatural instead of reality has been an unshakeable feeling that’s been sitting with me and something I’ve seemingly been trying to invite by constantly thinking about it, hoping the universe listens— like while I’m laying in bed with the door halfway open and I’m staring at the darkness wondering if (or when) something is going to come out of the shadows.

This “spiritual anticipation” makes sense the more I thought about why these feelings started to emerge. Having seen one of my grandmas spend some of her nights summoning an angel into her body— that she then embodied with her mannerisms, voice, and facial expressions— to then charge neighbors and family friends to share premonitions. She did this in a dark room surrounded by hundreds of candles, stomping her feet, changing her voice into a loud and raspy one, wrapping her head in a headscarf, claiming to be an angel.

I don’t remember if I believed what my grandma was doing. I remember thinking she was being really different from how I usually saw her as a child. I also remember the slight discomfort I felt seeing the emotional responses from neighbors probably hearing what they wanted to hear.

Luckily I haven’t lost anyone who was super close to me. But most recently when my great-grandma passed away, I felt like I finally had an elder, an ancestor I knew and spoke to throughout my life, who would probably be giving me some sage advice from the beyond. She’s given me nothing so far lol.

I’m grateful for the talks I’ve had with her when she was alive, but now that she’s not here I was hoping that could continue in a more impactful way. I’m waiting for her to leave some cool, worthwhile signs letting me know that things will be OK. Things like whispering my name, leaving me love notes disguised as random store smells that remind me of her. 

In my gut I know that I’m protected. The universe has my back. The straight-out-of-a-movie unexplainable sign though would solidify that gut feeling. If I can experience this, I’d unlock another level of imagination and what many can’t explain. I’d unlock a new level of myself, of my creativity, of my wisdom, of my senses. I’d feel more connected with my roots and the people in my lineage who came before me.

That’s what it is that I’m looking for.

I want to feel and trust myself and the universe that’s holding me with less fear and more comfort. And I want to understand more of where and who I come from. The funny part is, I can seek all of that from the people around me who are alive right now. But some part of me doesn’t seem ready to get that vulnerable with them yet. 

Even kids have the ability to connect to what a lot of us can’t see or explain. My mom has also mentioned her strong connection to spirits since she was a child and how as an adult she encountered her dead grandfather whose dark figure sat on the end of her bed one night. And yet I’ve had none of that. No special power to see and feel a pull away from physical reality. So here I am itchIng to feel like a super duper sentient little being.

In the meantime, I’ll keep feeling safe walking around in the dark, sitting in silence at night while reading, wondering if I’ll see or hear anything move. Still hoping to feel connected to my roots through the spirit world.